7. It’s kind of depressing when an Uber is an easier way to get to the hospital than an ambulance:
I picked up a client who said he was on his way to the hospital to get “something” removed. It was very clear by his movements that he had something stuck in his ass. I asked if he needed an ambulance instead but he said he didn’t have insurance so he couldn’t afford it. After I dropped him off and helped him in, I got back in the car and looked back to find a blood stain on the seat.
The morals of the story are 1.) If you’re poor, don’t shove things in your ass that can get stuck. 2.) Never get light grey upholstery in your new car.
8. One unfaithful couple at least had the moral fortitude to fess up — and tip well:
I picked up a guy and a girl midday Saturday for a short ride (couple of km). The girl seemed drugged out of or her mind and was wearing somewhat revealing clothing, so it was pretty clear they’d been partying the night before. While driving I picked up their conversation which they were not even attempting to hide. It was pretty clear that the guy had a girlfriend who was not the girl in the car and that he had just hooked up with this girl. They were currently heading to his girlfriend to explain what had happened. To be clear, he is bringing the girl he was unfaithful with along to explain to his girlfriend that he just fucked her. He tipped well though.
9. This guy easily qualifies as the most patient Uber driver in the world:
I picked up a couple in their thirties on St. Patrick’s Day this year at 2 AM. They wanted to take about a 35-mile drive at 6.3x surge, so I was about to give the third highest paying fare I’d ever given, great way to end the night!
They had clearly been drinking like they were 20-somethings since early in the day. The wife (in the front seat) was super apologetic for the first five minutes or so, completely embarrassed about their level of intoxication, while the husband (in the back) was trying to be my new best friend. After five minutes or so though, the Sandman paid them a visit, and they both passed out. I drove for the next 20 minutes in relative peace.
When we arrived in their driveway, the husband was sound asleep, and they had a half inch of wet snow in their driveway, so I took the wife inside first. While on the way in, she upended her purse in the snow, but I was more focused on getting her safely inside. Once we got in, I helped her to the bathroom, and then went to the garage to get a snow shovel. I cleared a 4′ wide path from the garage to the car, so I could get the husband inside (he’s a bigger guy, and I wanted to be safe) and finally got him awake. I gave him my shoulder and got him inside. He begged me “please, just get me to the recliner, I can’t make it to bed” so that’s where we headed. All the while the wife is throwing up with the force of a small waterfall in the bathroom.
I ran outside and grabbed the contents of her purse, which included her phone (absolutely soaked at this point) and came back inside. She begged me to rice her phone, so I started to dig through her cupboards for a bag and rice. While digging I came across their meds, and pulled some EDIT: Advil (absorbed by kidneys) for them. I riced her phone then gave them both Advil and water and told them to take more in the morning, they were gonna need it. Then I locked the door and showed myself out. In the end, I was dropping them off for well over half an hour, but the fare was awesome and the day was my second best day of driving, so it didn’t really bug me.
The kicker? They left me a 5-star review the next day: “Pretty OK guy.”
Best ride ever.