Being a driver for Uber or Lyft has to be one of the most unforgiving jobs in existence — because not only are you regularly dealing with people (who are usually terrible), you’re dealing with them in a small, confined space.
The only silver lining is that, occasionally, you get some generous tips and a few good stories out of the whole thing.
A recent AskReddit thread prompted Lyft and Uber drivers of Reddit to share their most NSFW passenger stories, and the drivers absolutely delivered. From transporting murderers, to cleaning up poop and blood, to witnessing every variety of sexual act — these people absolutely deserve a five-star rating.
1. One unwitting driver got way too close to a murder scene:
I picked up two guys one Saturday evening, and they said that they were headed to a bar to hang out. I didn’t think much of it until they got into the car. Something smelled horrible. I couldn’t pinpoint what the smell was though. It almost smelled like spoiled meat or fish.
We didn’t talk much through the ride, other the the usual get-to-know-you conversation. They were pretty short with their answers, so I just let it go and kept the silence.
It got to the point where the smell coming from them was so unbearable that I had to crack a few windows just to air out. As we were nearing their destination, one of the guys said, “You can just drop us off here.” It was a few blocks from where they said their destination was.
They opened the doors and as they were stepping out of the car, they ran. I was really confused. Within a few seconds, I couldn’t see them anymore. I looked at the back seats to my car only to find bloodstains on the seat. I thought it looked really suspicious, so I called the police. They looked at my car and asked me more details. The police told me that there was a woman who was killed earlier today, and the suspects were 2 middle aged men. I described them and they matched the descriptions perfectly.
The police called for backup and started searching the whole area, and it turns out that the guys were caught a few hours later.
2. This driver got very familiar with the behind-the-scenes of pornography:
Picked up this very tall and somewhat muscular looking black girl carrying what looks like a tackle box. She was dressed somewhat … risque. Gets in the car and I said hello, she responds with a pretty deep voice. We started the trip and she was telling me that she was on her way to do makeup for one of her friends, and her phone rang.
She answered the call, and it started off pretty standard, I wasn’t really paying attention. Suddenly I just hear “Girl, what’re you worried about? You have a great lookin’ clit.”
Hmmm. Alright then. Where’s this going? “No, Derek is super sweet, it’ll be fun I promise.” “No girl, he’s just gonna come through the doors…” “Yes I’ll be there. I’ll be outside the doors as one of the topless guards. Anyway, he’s going to pan through doors, focus in on you on the bed. Just start playing with yourself, nothing you haven’t done before.” “Yes, after a few minutes of doing that you call for the guards, and I come in and we fuck.” “Yes I brought the strap-on, it’s in the makeup box.”
And that’s the story of the person planning their porno during an Uber ride …
3. Some drivers kind of ARE the NSFW passengers, I guess:
We have a driver here who has been advertising on Craigslist and has his girlfriend ride in the back seat and arranges specific pickups so she can give you a hand job during your trip.