11. Welcome to Cougar Town, population: you.
She only had her mother, her father passed away when she was young. I go to her house to wait for her to get home and meet her mom, she has a bottle of dewars on the table. Her mom was pleasant (not drunk at the time) and she offers me a drink. I normally don’t drink the hard stuff, but I decided to be polite and take it. Her mother gets a phone call, apparently my new GF is going to be about 2 hours late. The mother sits down next to me on the couch and tells me. Then the unthinkable happens, her mom (not very attractive by the way) puts her hand on my upper thigh. She says we have 2 hours if I’m interested and smiles. Now at the time I was only 18, but I had enough common sense to GTFO real quick. Meet up with my GF later on that night and don’t even bring up what happened (what good could it do right?). 2 days later my GF shows up at my house and is wide eyed, her breath is labored (she ran to my house). She tells me that one of her best friends just told her that he slept with her mom. I ask when it happened, and she said 2 nights ago. So made the right choice!
12. What’s a weekend at the beach house without a little night punching?
I met my girlfriend’s parents at their summer house the summer after my sophomore year in college. Though their daughter spoke highly of me, I was intimidated by their strict demeanor. They arrived at the house late at night with my girlfriend’s sister and brother, and because it was late, I introduced myself to them and everyone went to sleep. I shared a room with my girlfriend’s younger brother. Around 2AM, I began sleepwalking over to her brother’s bed. The brother’s room was laid out similar to my room at home, so I thought I was in my bedroom at home. I panicked when I felt someone’s warm face in the other bed. I could not find the light switch so I began to attack the “intruder” (her brother) while screaming and swearing at him. I punched her brother in the face multiple times, even as he begged me to stop (note: I had never thrown a punch before). Her parents rushed into the bedroom, fully dressed, with their Great Dane on his leash, barking and lunging aggressively. When the lights turned on, her parents saw me in my boxers with my fists raised over their son. Her brother and I laid wide awake, silently, for the rest of the night.
13. Shake it off.
“I went to stay with my ex’s family one weekend, as we met at school and our families both lived a few hours away. His mom had just had facial surgery and was more than a bit doped up from pain medications. My ex and I were standing in the kitchen with his mom and brother when she decided to tell us that we needed to wait until after dinner to have sex. She also decided to show me that she owned a Shake Weight, and asked if I needed to use it to improve my handjobs. She then asked her son if I needed to work on that while trying to press he Shake Weight into my hands.Yep, that was weird.”
14. And that’s when he discovered belts.
When my father finally met my mothers parents, the first thing Grandpa did was pants my father in public. Grandpa is not a mature man.
15. Way to choke.
My girlfriend had me over for dinner at her parent house for the first time. Steak dinner with all of the fixins’. I take my first bite, swallow, immediately start choking. I’m so scared that I’m going to make a bad impression, so I took a drink of water to try to wash it down. Didn’t work, so after about fifteen seconds without a single breath my face turns red, so I start freaking out an point at my throat. So my girlfriends mom does the Heimlich maneuver and I throw up all over the floor. Her two miniature schnauzers start licking up the aftermath, girlfriend’s dad puts his napkin down and leaves the room.