don't show me a picture of myself. please never show me what i look like. first off it's incorrect. secondly. why do i look like that
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 7, 2017
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
— batkaren (@batkaren) August 1, 2015
Sometimes I think, "is it really that hard to get along?" Then other times I'm un-friending people on Facebook for being too happy.
— MerGyver (@HoneyWooWoo) January 7, 2015
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy's head. Nice. I'll add blush in post. pic.twitter.com/nE6TKV9nyP
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) April 26, 2016
I periodically look up from my desk with a little smile in case someone is filming sitcom credits
— ???? Sarah Shockey ???? (@sarahjoyshockey) October 2, 2015
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
— sicifetus (@toomanytoes) June 17, 2015
Date: I'm pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don't know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) October 18, 2017
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You're free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
— Hi, it's Abject Terror. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
— Ughhhlexa ???? (@TheWoodenslurpy) July 17, 2015
listen carefully. some people say "heartbeep" instead of "heartbeat." they are the first wave of robots. do not trust them.
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) September 1, 2015