I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
I continue to be taunted by my grandfather’s killer pic.twitter.com/YRVQvjcP7U
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) October 15, 2013
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) August 18, 2013
i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: WOMEN belong in the KITCHEN, helping ME get my HAND out of the GARBAGE DISPOSAL
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) March 8, 2018
I want a gym where they let you push big appliances off a cliff
— Sam (@SamuelMoen) July 6, 2012
“This book changed my life.”
–your most insane friend
— Daley Haggar (@d_haggar) March 11, 2018
I asked my 7 year old what his dream job would be and he said “Ideally, I’d like to be retired.”
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) March 8, 2018
7 Stages of Grief:
6. Acceptance Speech
— ?????? ???? (@NicCageMatch) December 21, 2014
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 27, 2012
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 8, 2018
I don’t like calling it a “dad bod.” I prefer “father figure.”
— Josh Radnor (@JoshRadnor) February 28, 2018