I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to read this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
I don't get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* "your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps"
— brent (@murrman5) July 23, 2015
Thoughts and prayers: the air guitar of helping.
— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) February 15, 2018
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say "Uh Oh Spaghetti O's" when things go wrong?
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O's
— Bad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 10, 2016
why was there always one kid in middle school who had a shirt that said “pain is just weakness leaving the body” lmao chill out man we’re in 7th grade
— goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) March 7, 2018
Really looking forward to the all-cat reboot of Jiro Dreams of Sushi pic.twitter.com/ZQ10tereBb
— Sexy Rigged Election (@NicCageMatch) March 7, 2018
no no no i wasn't clapping for you, i was giving myself a bunch of high fives…you sucked actually
— haunted Mr baby (@hippieswordfish) June 5, 2016
having a gender reveal party tomorrow for the hamster i just got at petco. nothin crazy just gonna flip it over and see if it has a dick or whatever
— ԼƖԼ ƁƠƬƬƠMƬЄҲƬ (@_ericcurtin) January 27, 2018
it all began because bustin made me feel good. but now i'm bustin to feel normal. bustin to feel anything at all.
— ???????????? (@leifromloihi) February 28, 2016
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That's Chappie
— vineyille (@vineyille) March 23, 2015