20.
https://twitter.com/TheDairylandDon/status/241427626449838080
19.
everyone shits on the midwest but forgets that they invented having an extra refrigerator in the garage
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 8, 2018
18.
14: when I'm older, I'm going to be married and so happy
27: I wonder if I could do heroin just once & not do it again, I could be that guy— christian (@nopoweradeinusa) October 11, 2017
17.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) March 4, 2018
16.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
— Shenanigans (@Shenanigans_luv) March 1, 2018
15.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it'll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff— huntigula (@huntigula) March 15, 2016
14.
https://twitter.com/drankturpentine/status/973740269270196224
13.
https://twitter.com/longwall26/status/492089709867597824
12.
Male bedbugs try to mate with other males in error & impale their abdomens with genitalia, I say, nailing this wedding reception small talk.
— Eli Fels-McDowell (@elizabeth_fels) October 14, 2015
11.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like "You're Doing A Great Job"
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) March 14, 2015