15.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART: pic.twitter.com/1GZN0ieahU— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) January 28, 2018
14.
do people who have wind chimes know that not having wind chimes is also an option
— ωαг๓ץєɭɭσωℓιﻭнт (@warmyellowlight) September 3, 2014
13.
me: is the hippocratic oath really all that’s keeping doctors from hurting or killing us on purpose?
waiter: questions about the menu, i mean.— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) February 18, 2018
12.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
— Witch Hazel (@wit_haze) January 28, 2017
11.
Virgo: People may find you exhausting, but great hair and a loud voice have gotten a lot of otherwise unremarkable people pretty far, so…yeah.
— Sorrow-scopes (@Sorrowscopes) February 13, 2018
10.
I slipped and fell on the ice and instead of laughing everyone gasped and seemed very concerned for me so I guess I’m old now.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) February 12, 2018
9.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) April 11, 2016
8.
Friends: Welcome! It’s so good to see you! Make yourself at home.
Me: *puts on pajamas and starts crying— Brosephine Wires (@JoParkerBear) January 4, 2017
7.
I always police knock on people’s doors; that way, in case they’re disappointed to see me, at least now they’re relieved I’m not the cops.
— i liv. (@liv_thatsme) July 2, 2017
6.
(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 19, 2016