Lean in to insomnia by counting the people you’ve hurt & disappointed. Imagine them jumping sheeplike over a fence, still furious.
— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) July 4, 2016
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
— jess (@jessokfine) March 8, 2018
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
— jess (@jessokfine) June 8, 2016
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) March 7, 2018
When you see a low income neighborhood that could use a coffee shop and some citi bikes pic.twitter.com/aY9zqJsle1
— Anthony Moore (@AllThatandMoore) March 1, 2018
Sing us a song, you’re the Piano Man
The wretched creature lumbered slowly, painfully to the stage, his legs trembling under the nearly unbearable weight of hundreds of high-carbon steel piano wires and all those ivory keys and began to wail an awful tune of misery
— Ray (@nraymz) March 1, 2018
This bird wrote you a song & it really means a lot to him. pic.twitter.com/Kw4tDmmv9u
— Just Gwen (@msgwenl) February 23, 2018
Willem Dafoe vs. Willem Dafriend (I’ll see myself out) pic.twitter.com/o48BDHjI5u
— [kie.ran] (@danblackroyd) February 24, 2018
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
— Hi, it’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 21, 2018
My eyes are getting weaker with age, which is a sign of my superior brain expanding and pushing down excessively on the eyeball pistons.
— Duchess Goldblatt (@duchessgoldblat) February 20, 2018