14. OH…oh, oh no no no no:
I wasn’t feeling great, but decided to meet anyway. We met at a Belgian beer bar. She was gorgeous, fun, and totally into me. I felt a gas pain, so I leaned forward slightly to quietly relieve the pressure. I completely and explosively shat myself. The odor was immediate. I excused myself to the bathroom, but the damage was too great. I walked out of the bathroom, muddy-panted, out of the bar, and boarded the train for home.
The date was nothing, compared to the horror of the following three weeks, recovering from E-coli.
13. If his role model is Patrick Bateman, RUN:
I’ve only been on one blind date a few years ago. It was with the investment banker son of one of my mother’s friends. One of her attempts at finding me a respectable boy from a good family. So that night he calls to ask if I could pick him up instead since is car broke down. I thought, no problem, and asked where he lived. The guy was staying at a buddies place an hour from my house, ugh, but still no problem I thought.
So I get dress in my cutest little black dress and heels to channel the grace of Audrey Hepburn and, gosh darn it, I think I did well. I pick the guy up and he’s not all bad. A little on the short side but he has a cute face and seems fit.
So we get to the restaurant and order. He gets a few drinks into him and we have a conversation about jobs/stuff, but then it arrived at who we admired. His answer? Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, just, ya know, without the killing and stuff. He said he admired the character and aspired to live that kind of life (without the killing of course). DING DING DING…the alarm bells were going off in my head. So trying to change the subject I mention the frat that he was in (we both went to the same university) and that I knew some of the guys. He then proceeds to tell me that, yea all his friends were just vehicles for him to get ahead in life and that he didn’t really like any of them. Ooooook.
Then comes the check. He forgot his wallet. So I paid. Just awesome. By now I was just looking for this night to be done with, but no things had to get more fun. On the way back to the garage we pass by an alley and he leans in and whispers into my ear and says, “You’re fucking hot and I want to f**k you behind that pile of garbage,” and he LICKS MY EAR!
Waaaaaah blashhldflka Do Not Want! I tell him the night is over, gave him some money, and said that he could take the public transportation home. I then called my friends and went out to a bar to drink the experience away. Needless to say I was jumpy for a few days expecting an axe to come out from a corner at any moment.
12. Oh no dude, you should’ve just left:
I got set up with the daughter of one of my parents’ friends. I wasn’t really looking forward to it, but I was on break from college, and she apparently went to school not far from me, so it wasn’t like a lost-cause summer romance type thing. They showed me pictures and said nice things about her.
I picked her up from her parent’s place (we were both home for the summer) and was a little surprised by how pretty she was; the pictures had been from when she was in high school, and didn’t do her justice. The date was dinner and a movie. Dinner went really well; we had a lot in common, she was very grounded and down-to-earth, cared about the environment. If I have a type, she was it.
So as we’re walking to the movie theater, I slipped my arm around her waist. She pushed me away and got all serious. “I’m really sorry, because you seem like a nice guy, but … I’m a lesbian. I just went out with you to make my parents happy.”
Sitting through The Chronicles of Narnia with her was the most awkward two hours of my life.