Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have your own personal assistant? Just think — another “you,” but a “you” who existed solely to take care of all of those dumb, annoying, tedious, time-sucking activities that you have to do but don’t want to do. For the fabulous, wealthy, and fabulously wealthy, this dream is a reality — they have personal assistants who they pay to do stuff like go to the post office, make doctors appointments, pick up dry cleaning, and drop the kids off at school.
How would you, dear reader, most benefit from and/or exploit a devoted personal assistant? Yesterday, Vulture writer and The Toast co-founder Nicole Cliffe posed that question to her 50,000-plus Twitter followers.
If you were a famous diva and had a well-paid assistant who truly adored you and LIVED to fulfil your most arcane non-sexual desires, what kind of petty shit would you demand they bring or do for you?
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) December 13, 2017
More than 600 people (so far) replied. Their fantasy personal assistant to-do items have been specific, obscure, luxurious, and hilarious.
Someone else to floss my teeth.
— John Leavitt 🌹 (@LeavittAlone) December 13, 2017
The only thing that comes to mind is deciding what I should eat for dinner. Not even bringing me or making me dinner. Just helping me decide what I should get.
— Alvin (@chipmnk) December 13, 2017
They would keep an up-to-the-minute list of all my online shopping tracking info and also lie and tell me that it’s coming a day later than it is, so I’m always surprised and never disappointed. They would also check my bank balance for me and wait for replies to risky texts.
— km (@enough_nerve) December 13, 2017
Do irritating little things to people I don't like – like steal their parking spaces & walk slowly in front of them on sidewalks
— Kate (@KathleenERobson) December 13, 2017
listen to my friends' podcasts and provide me with thoughtful talking points
— Emily Gould (@EmilyGould) December 13, 2017
Bring me a cool, not cold, glass of water with apple cider vinegar first thing every AM with a bendy straw. Swap in daily fresh, fluffy face cloths that I use to wash and dry my face. Change my pillowcase everyday. 😂
— Stacey E. Singleton (@staceyNYCDC) December 13, 2017
I love cooking but hate prep work, I want all the ingredients pre-chopped, measured, and put in little ramekins so I feel like I'm the host of a cooking show.
— Summer Block (@teamblock) December 13, 2017
find and peel seedless citrus fruits. pick grapes off the stem things. mince things for me cuz I suck at it.
— Molly (@heymolly) December 13, 2017
Tell my driver to not chew gum.
— Sharon Rowley (@sharongogo) December 13, 2017
Fully remove any adhesive labels from every new item, getting the goo-gone involved when necessary.
— Shanti Maharaj (@EbookTherapist) December 13, 2017
Keep an exactly day old order of lo-mein in the fridge at all times.
— Gerald requests they ban the Nazis on here kthxbye (@Professor_D) December 13, 2017
Knit the gauge swatch on all my knitting projects so I never have to do one again.
— Stoop Crone (@kateroden) December 13, 2017
I literally just want them to organize my downloads folder and rename my files lol
— ellen grace (@iwishiwasafinch) December 13, 2017
bring me the multicolored swedish fish with all the red ones taken out
— rhonda mumps (@anachronistique) December 13, 2017