5.
So many friends have kids now it's tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 23, 2018
6.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver's ed together mean nothing to u
— david (@_elvishpresley_) January 23, 2018
7.
911: What's your emergency?
Me: I've had a breakdown on the highway.
911: What kind of car are you driving?
Me: Car?
— The Notorious B.E.V. 🌈 (@blade_funner) January 28, 2018
8.
[seven minutes into a story that I'm just realizing is only funny to me]
I'm just gonna cut my losses and stop talking— dick snickers (@smithsara79) November 30, 2017
9.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
— John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) January 17, 2018
10.
https://twitter.com/InternetHippo/status/954173147112239104