Most of us are lucky if we write a handful of tweets in our entire lifetime that anyone thinks are funny. It’s pretty hard to do. That’s why @DanMentos is so amazing. Day after day, year after year, he keeps cranking out top shelf tweets. I’ve been following Dan since day 1 on twitter and he’s still my go-to account when I need a laugh. Now that I’ve introduced him, I hope he’ll be the same for you. Here are some of the all-time best tweets from @DanMentos.
35.
wife: when do we sign the birth certificate
me: I took care of it. get some sleep
(doctor walks in) and how is little (looks at chart) Vape— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 19, 2016
34.
1914 guy with plaid flannel & big beard: I’m a logger
2014 guy with plaid flannel & big beard: I’m a blogger— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 8, 2014
33.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 24, 2014
32.
Boston Market recently changed their name to Boston MARKET, a move that increased their market capitalization by 500%
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 22, 2014
31.
[noah loading ark]
“cows? check, goats? check”
*llama walks up*
“I already have llamas”
I’m an… alpaca. it’s a different thing
“ok whatever”— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 16, 2014
30.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler— dan mentos (@DanMentos) May 11, 2015
29.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 5, 2017
28.
cool socks but sad that they have to kill the dog pic.twitter.com/EeYOErCeOK
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 8, 2017
27.
someone call Lou Bega, this followup hit writes itself pic.twitter.com/hYP9Uw3Hg4
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 23, 2018
26.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 2, 2015