me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 25, 2016
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 28, 2015
This is genius. The school shooters will see a guy with three arms and freak the fuck out pic.twitter.com/jqc9BmioJZ
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 19, 2018
you (simple, moronic, doltish): reading popular fiction
me (complex, shrewd, percipient): reading a thesaurus
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 1, 2016
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right
[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 18, 2017