It’s been a tough seven days for all of us, but these particular folks definitely took some serious dragging on Twitter this week. Which means that we can now chortle at their misfortune! Tee-hee!
5. Paul Ryan
House Speaker Paul Ryan announced this week that he would not be seeking re-election in November. So, Twitter “mourned” the best way they knew how: by mocking him mercilessly.
Farewell to Paul Ryan, the least Speaker of the House we ever had.
— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) April 11, 2018
It’s sad Paul Ryan will leave Congress without fulfilling his life-long dream of tossing vulnerable elderly people off their Social Security.
— Robert Mann (@RTMannJr) April 11, 2018
Paul Ryan retiring to spend more time with the shades of poor, hungry children, who follow him wherever he goes, staring, staring, staring with their sad accusing eyes.
— ((((Peter Sagal)))) (@petersagal) April 11, 2018
Paul Ryan, a sentient jizz sock with the cold, dead heart of Ayn Rand, is retiring to pursue his real passion, feeding the poor to bears.
— beth, an alien (@bourgeoisalien) April 11, 2018
when paul ryan officially packs it in, i hope the CBO can give him his final career score, let him know how many confirmed kills he has
— Muscular Baby (@Mobute) April 11, 2018
Axios reported that the difficulty of working with Donald Trump likely instigated Ryan’s decision — which is probably the only thing that Paul Ryan and I would ever agree upon.
4. Mark Zuckerberg
Facebook CEO and founder Mark Zuckerberg testified before a joint hearing of the Senate Judiciary and Commerce committees this week in an attempt to assure the government (and the public) that Facebook is handling its users’ private information responsibly. (Except for, you know, that time they didn’t.)
The Twitter jokes practically wrote themselves — from the old dudes on the committees who barely understood how to ask questions about Facebook, to the bizarre booster seat the Zuckerberg used to prop himself up during the hearing.
That face when you just wanted a faster way to rank girls by looks and ended up installing a fascist government in the most powerful country on earth pic.twitter.com/VEaQjz9Z6s
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) April 10, 2018
— Julia Nista (@julia_nista) April 10, 2018
me when I realize my actions have a consequence pic.twitter.com/kNx4rL2uGl
— Amber Discko (@amberdiscko) April 10, 2018
MARK ZUCKERBERG: Less bangs, please.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: Even less.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: LESS!
MARK ZUCKERBERG: I STILL SEE SOME BANGS! KEEP TRIMMING, GODDAMMIT! NEVER STOP!!!
— …And Justin For All (@Staggfilms) April 10, 2018
tfw you aren’t being grilled by the Senate Judiciary Committee pic.twitter.com/0gbOmDtJq8
— Jeffrey Young (@JeffYoung) April 10, 2018
the winkelvoss twins right now pic.twitter.com/hKJbhZIxvr
— Ziwe (@ziwe) April 10, 2018
when u drink 2 glasses of red wine while watching Amelie and decide to cut your own bangs pic.twitter.com/EPYHtZn3QI
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) April 10, 2018
The Social Network 2 (2018) pic.twitter.com/GLFBd4V4BG
— quinta b. (@quintabrunson) April 10, 2018
What a time to be alive, honestly.
3. Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift recently recorded a cover of Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September” for Spotify.
However, people were decidedly less-than-enthusiastic about Swift’s whitewashed version of the iconic funk song.
This is the most disrespectful shit I’ve ever seen.
— killmonger fan acct (@NotActuallyDrew) April 13, 2018
No one who respects Earth Wind and Fire or funk music would ever cover a song like that with banjos.
No one who loves that song takes a classic and makes it sound like unseasoned chicken.
— Ray (@YarmondShore) April 13, 2018
Maurice White didn’t found one of the greatest soul bands of all time to have Taylor Swift cover one of his biggest hits in mayonnaise and turn it into some ish people sing at open mic night.
This is an abomination. https://t.co/mwyYQMEPlb
— Britni Danielle (@BritniDWrites) April 13, 2018
Call it what it is. TERRORISM. https://t.co/8rQaonQsBs
— thugga OG (@tattedpoc) April 13, 2018
LISTEN HERE DAMMIT!!!!!!! WHAT WE NOT GONNA FUCKING DO IS COVER EARTH, WIND AND FIRE. THAT’S WHERE I DRAW THE FUCKING LINE. https://t.co/bONnerbLHw
— YOU CHILLING WITH OTHER DOGS?!?!? (@I_Exude_Sarcasm) April 13, 2018
I don’t even think they play this in hell https://t.co/pD4BlnwMpM
— Kofie (@KofieYeboah) April 13, 2018
Yeah, I don’t think this particular song was ever in need of a Taylor Swiftian makeover …
2. Donald Trump
It’s honestly more difficult to pinpoint a moment when people aren’t making fun of Donald Trump on Twitter.
This week, the highlight of the Trump Twitter Circus was probably Trump’s reaction to James Comey’s book, A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies and Leadership. Spoiler alert: the POTUS was not hyped on Comey’s tell-all, particularly since the book painted a pretty unflattering portrait of Trump.
James Comey is a proven LEAKER & LIAR. Virtually everyone in Washington thought he should be fired for the terrible job he did-until he was, in fact, fired. He leaked CLASSIFIED information, for which he should be prosecuted. He lied to Congress under OATH. He is a weak and…..
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 13, 2018
….untruthful slime ball who was, as time has proven, a terrible Director of the FBI. His handling of the Crooked Hillary Clinton case, and the events surrounding it, will go down as one of the worst “botch jobs” of history. It was my great honor to fire James Comey!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 13, 2018
This is Hilarious. Trump a serial liar, calls James Comey who built a career on honesty “an untruthful slime ball.”
This is also the same day Trump is pardoning a proven leaker and convicted liar pic.twitter.com/wXDAIk8iX0
— PoliticsVideoChannel (@politvidchannel) April 13, 2018
Obviously, Twitter thought it was highly ironic that Trump tried to called Comey an “untruthful slime ball” when that title is pretty much printed on Trump’s own business cards.
Trump is an untruthful slime ball who is and has proven to be a terrible President. Trumps scandals and the way he handles the events surrounding him, is making him the worst President in United States history. It will be a great honor to watch you get impeached.
(Glass houses) pic.twitter.com/1nyyjKDQpF
— Dominique Hamilton (@Underrated_Dom) April 13, 2018
Trump calling someone an ‘untruthful slime ball’ is the height of irony pic.twitter.com/KQkHF8yrac
— Roland Scahill (@rolandscahill) April 13, 2018
The untruthful slime ball is the guy who lied about President Obama’s birth certificate, lied to his supporters about Mexico paying for his border wall, lied when he promised to release his tax returns, and lied about paying $130,000 in hush money to a porn star. https://t.co/m4a2VzPkyJ
— Keith Boykin (@keithboykin) April 13, 2018
That totally normal moment when the President of the United States, a serial liar, calls the former FBI Director, who built a long career on honesty and integrity, “an untruthful slime ball.” https://t.co/yVNV79xHvf
— Brian Klaas (@brianklaas) April 13, 2018
Donald Trump had all night to figure out a good nickname for James Comey, and all he could come up with was “untruthful slime ball.” This guy is truly slipping.
— Palmer Report (@PalmerReport) April 13, 2018
True story: I saw Untruthful Slime Ball open for Garbage at their first concert in Madison, WI in ’95.
— Brad Thor (@BradThor) April 13, 2018
Also, considering those pee tape rumors, I think Trump should maybe be a bit more careful about flippantly accusing people of being “leakers” …
Heinz has apparently created a new bottled sauce called “Mayochup,” which — you guessed it — is simply a combination of mayonnaise and ketchup.
Twitter was all-too-eager to not only dunk on the horrible portmanteau of “Mayochup,” but to remind Heinz that this sauce has apparently already been invented in Utah, and it’s called “Fry sauce.”
This is Fry Sauce. Wtf is Mayochup
— Lambozoid ☃ (@LivingLele) April 11, 2018
ITS FRY SAUCE! IT IS NOT NEW AND IT IS NOT MAYOCHUP THAT IS A STUPID NAME https://t.co/1SqP0CSfHd
— K8 Caldwell (@katecaldwell_) April 12, 2018
I want to be the person who clears seven figures to come up with the startlingly lazy abomination “mayochup” https://t.co/WObSLPavVB
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) April 13, 2018
Let go ahead and end this debate. If you call Mayo & Ketchup together “Mayochup” your wrong and I hate you.
Mayo& Ketchup together will ALWAYS BE KNOWN as “FRY SAUCE.” This ain’t new for the real ones out there. https://t.co/wlcvlr2uuh
— Isaac Asiata (@AsiataFive4) April 13, 2018
People take their condiments seriously, y’all.