7. Sorry about your loss but it was a good way to go, mhall1104:
My grandma to another nurse: “Haven’t had sex recently. The last man I was in bed with croaked right after!”
…Grandpa died from natural causes my ass
6. But, like, was he a virgin though?
From my time as an Army medic in Germany, circa 2003.
Had a guy report to sick call with “personal” filled out on his sick call slip. Ninety nine percent of the time, this means STD or something wrong with the reproductive bits.
I was the fortunate one to pull his chart for screening. I got him into the exam room, got him to verbalize exactly what “personal” reason he was in the aid station for. It was sores on his penis.
Ok.
I start prepping the culture swab, and continue getting the history. How long he had the sores, when he last had sex, any burning or irritation while urinating. “A few days, never, and no.”
Wait, you haven’t had sex? What about sexual contact, to include oral, anal, genital on genital? “I’m a virgin. I’ve never been with anyone else”.
What the fuck are the sores from? “I’ve been masturbating a bunch.”. How much? “Eight times a day.”
Our PA ended up sending him back with a profile to his chain of command prohibiting masturbation more than once a day.
5. Did you punch him, Cheesethehamster?
I was in active labor, pushing a tiny human being from my body, when a well-meaning medical student asked me if I had any history of sexual activity.