140 characters doesn’t seem like a lot when it comes to describing your marriage, but these people managed to do it.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017
Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.
Me: So it's a can't opener?
Wife: I can't believe I married you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017
Marriage shouldn't require work. It should be effortless like writing a novel or breakdancing.
— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) June 4, 2017
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 9, 2016
My wife's been in Homegoods so long she just qualified for medical coverage.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 16, 2017
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017
Got a popcorn maker for my wedding (it's my wife. She makes popcorn) pic.twitter.com/gug4Kyxd5O
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) June 9, 2017
Married almost 20 years, my advice to dating couples is to ask this important question What are your feelings on air conditioning in May?
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) May 17, 2017
"I could just get Quilted Northern and you can get whatever your brand is," the most married man in Target sighs into speaker phone.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 20, 2017
(Going to Wife's Work Party)
WIFE: Don't just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) June 4, 2017
Husband: *choking on a curly fry*
Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017
Husband asked what I want for my bday. Answer: "I'd love some great guacamole!"
Your 40s lower not just life expectancy, but expectations.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 14, 2017
I just googled, "how to get away with killing my husband" on @IMKristenBell phone. Just in case. Now there's a record.
— dax shepard (@daxshepard1) May 11, 2015
ME: I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery
WIFE: ok you know you won't be able to shoot lasers out of your eyes though
ME: fuck that then
— Very Scary Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 16, 2016
Don't marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.
— Jay (@theshamingofjay) May 9, 2017
My husband's so smart.
He's prepared for the Apocalypse by leaving pants puddled on the family room floor so he can make a quick exit.
— Walking With Spooks (@WalkingOutside) January 27, 2016
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 18, 2017
Let's get married so we can argue about whether or not to throw away a 13-year-old plate.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 25, 2017
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
— 🕷Vampire Valerie🎃 (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".
— Walking With Spooks (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017
Wife: I have clothes for you to try on.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor*
Me: Grow up.
Wife: I have some for you, too.
Me: *also flops*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2017
At least 10% of divorces can be avoided by buying bigger blankets
— X Alqee (@Xalqee) July 9, 2012
My husband & I fight by changing the wifi password.
— jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) November 18, 2016
WIFE: how does this house get so dirty so fast?
ME: *rollerblading through the kitchen while eating some nachos* kids are gross
— Very Scary Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 1, 2017
Me: Want me to go grocery shopping?
Wife: NO. All you do is text me questions the whole time. I'll do it.
Husbanding level: Expert.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 14, 2016