12 NSFW Historical Facts They Didn’t Teach You In School

7. He succeeded JFK in both the presidency and penis-wielding.

May I add LBJ. He called his penis “Jumbo” and had a habit of proving it to anyone that walked into the White house. He also like to call meetings and than proceed to drop a deuce with the door open.

8. More like a boomstick.

Origin of the “witch’s broomstick”: women would soak a wooden dildo in psychoactive alkaloids, then insert it in the vagina for a contact high. Not much of a logical step to proceed from this to “riding” a flying broomstick between the legs.

9. “Horizontal refreshment” means naps, right?

Upon being made commander of the British 8th Army in 1942, one of the first acts General Bernard Montgomery made was to reopen the brothels in Egypt that his predecessor had closed, stating that “My men absolutely require their horizontal refreshment”.

10. Cleopatra, comin’ at cha.

Cleopatra was obsessed with sex and used to experiment with dildo technology. She’s rumored to have invented the world’s first vibrator, using a hollow gourd filled with angry bees. 

11. Seventeenth-century Weird Science.

The first thing the “Father of Microbiology,” Anton van Leeuwenhoek, put under a microscope was semen. They understood that semen was integral to the creation of life but didn’t yet understand the concept of single-cell organisms. He fully expected to see tiny little humans in his jizz.

So yeah, the first thing he did was whack off on a slide and look at it.

12. Probably the result of that apple hitting his head.

Isaac Newton was obsessed with “the lost art of alchemy.” He also was said to have died a virgin, but had a strange obsession with blood, specifically the menstrual blood of whores, which he thought had magical properties. The walls of his room were painted red for this reason.