I’ve got friend who wanted to go the the beach, so he called in sick.
“What do you mean you’re sick? I saw you 8 hours ago and you were fine.”
“My asshole is on fire, Gary.”
Years ago I had someone call in and tell me that they couldn’t come to work this week because they were grounded (they were 25 years old at the time). I told them that this wasn’t an acceptable excuse and that they would be expected to work their scheduled shifts. So he put his mom on the phone and we had a nice long chat. He did live at home and she was grounding him and said if we couldn’t respect her parenting decisions then he quit. I kind of felt bad for the kid
I once had an employee, an older lady, call to say she had stepped off the bus on the way to work, and then “I shit my drawers.” We didn’t make her come in.
Her husband wanted her to make him a sandwich.
Turned out, her husband had a seizure, but she was too embarrassed to tell me that.
Had a girl call and ask if she could come in late because she “really wanted to make a steak and chill”. She was probably stoned, but she came in when her request was denied and we got to use that phrase all the time.
Discovered employee passed out on steps in a Casino, pants half off. wallet missing, hotel key missing. Wake him up. “I’m sorry, I’m still too drunk to work today.”
Another girl called in because she had too many hickeys and we had already written her up for working with hickeys.
Best: “I just bought a monkey and he’s suffering from separation anxiety every time I leave the house” – this person actually followed up the next day with pictures of her monkey.
Worst: “It’s Tuesday, fuck Tuesday”
My manager told me that at his old store, this new guy called in and was like “guys my iPod broke. Y’all don’t understand. If I have to go without my music, Ima go nuts. Y’all don’t get it. I’m serious. This ain’t funny”. The great thing is, the store we work at fixes cell phones and iPods and the like
I was a supervisor of an early shift(3-9am) and the oldest guy(early 50’s) strolled in a half hour late. All he said was “Sorry boss. The wife was horny and I couldn’t pass it up!” Everyone loved that guy so we obviously let it slide.