Michelle Wolf headlined the White House Correspondents Dinner last night (or “nerd prom”) when Washington reporters, White House officials, and celebrities all come together to eat, drink, and “celebrate” journalism. But unfortunately, this celebration of the first amendment was interrupted by someone exercising it. Traditionally, the White House Correspondents Association has a comedian perform a funny roast. Also traditionally, the president roasts the press and other officials as well. Because we are not currently living in traditional times and the president is a big baby who can’t take a joke, he sent his press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, as a human joke shield. And judging by how “shocked” and “offended” everyone is pretending to be, it worked! Here are some of Michelle Wolf’s most “shocking” lines.
Michelle Wolf started off by making fun of the Stormy Daniels affair:
“Good evening, here we are at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner; like a porn star says when she’s about to have sex with Trump, let’s get this over with.”
She also referenced the Access Hollywood tape in calling out Trump’s absence:
“I would drag him here myself, but it turns out that the president of the United States is the one p-ssy you’re not allowed to grab. He said it first. Yeah, he did. You remember? Good.”
She then turned her fire on Sarah Huckabee Sanders and her penchant for lying:
“I actually really like Sarah. I think she’s very resourceful. But she burns facts and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smokey eye.”
“I’m never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Is it Sarah Sanders, is it Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is it Cousin Huckabee, is it Aunt Huckabee Sanders? What’s Uncle Tom but for white women who disappoint other white women? Ah I Know, Aunt Coulter.”
And Ivanka Trump:
“She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she’s about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She’s done nothing to satisfy women. So, I guess, like father like daughter.”
“She does clean up nice, though. Ivanka cleans up nice. She’s the diaper genie of the administration. On the outside she looks sleek, but the inside, it’s still full of sh-t.”
And Kellyanne Conway:
“Man, she has the perfect name for what she does. Conway. It’s like if my last name was Michelle tells-jokes-frizzy-hair-small-t-ts.”
“You guys have to stop putting Kellyanne on your shows. All she does is lie. If you don’t give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie. If a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kellyanne under that tree? I’m not suggesting she gets hurt. Just stuck. Stuck under a tree.”
Of course, she also went after Trump himself, especially for not being as rich as he pretends:
We’re going to try a fun new thing, okay? I’m going to say, “Trump is so broke,” and you guys go, “How broke is he?” All right?
Trump is so broke.
[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]
He has to fly failed business class.
Trump is so broke.
[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]
He looked for foreign oil in Don Jr.’s hair.
Trump is so broke.
[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]
He — Southwest used him as one of their engines.
I know, it’s so soon. It’s so soon for that joke. Why did she tell it? It’s so soon.
Trump is so broke.
[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]
He had to borrow money from the Russians, and now he’s compromised and susceptible to blackmail and possibly responsible for the collapse of the republic.
Yay. It’s a fun game.
But her best criticisms were leveled at the press as well:
“[Trump] has helped you sell your papers & your books & your TV. You helped create this monster & now you’re profiting off of him. And if you’re gonna profit off of Trump, you should at least give him some money because he doesn’t have any.” #WHCD pic.twitter.com/KFl01FRM6e
— Sarah Lerner (@SarahLerner) April 29, 2018