A hall pass, according to Urban Dictionary, is “permission given by your lover to fool around with another person outside your relationship.” Jeffrey Lynn Goldblum is my celebrity hall pass. Here’s why:
1. He is 65 years old and still devilishly handsome.
The older a man gets, the more he understands himself. This goes for women too, but men mature far later than their female counterparts. (Science will have us believe this gap closes around age 30, though life has shown me it either never closes or does so when a man turns 60ish. Do not @ me.)
The appeal here is not in age difference alone. Bill Murray’s character summed it up nicely in Lost in Translation when he said, “The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” Jeff Goldblum seems like a man who knows who he is, what he wants, and is not easily upset. This is the opposite of every single dude on Tinder (Do not @ me.)
Jeff Goldblum was born on October 22, 1952, which means that most of his life took place pre-Internet and iPhone. He has lived through arguably the most interesting decades in history, and has come out them looking unreasonably snack-like. This also makes him a Libra, which makes him compatible with me, a Sagittarius.
Finally, he’s somehow just better looking now than ever before.
…maybe.
2. This is what he looks like with no pants on.
Call me superstitious, but.
3. He has amazing skin and smells good.
I know this because Olivia Munn and Fred Armisen, respectively, said so.
4. He lives life to the fullest.
Liam Hemsworth said Goldblum “has the energy of a 10-year-old—he’s in fantastic shape,” and Paul Rudd described him as “so engaged and alive in the moment.”
Speaking from the perspective of a woman more than half Jeff Goldblum’s age who people would be hard-pressed to describe as “in fantastic shape” and “alive in the moment,” this joie de vivre resonates strongly.
5. He’s funny and he can sing.
6. Speaking of singing, Jeff Goldblum plays a jazz show every week in LA.
He’s been singing and playing piano with his band, The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra, since the ’90s. Anyone can go see him. I appreciate creativity in a man, but I enjoy accessibility even more.
7. His unique voice and speech patterns.
Edward Norton recalled how Goldblum had sat next to a female friend of his on an airplane and offered to read her book to her.
“I don’t know if this would interest you—and if not, of course no problem—but I’m very good at reading books aloud, and if you’d like I’d be happy to read it to you,” he said. She said ok. “She had about 90 pages left, and Jeff read her the rest of it out loud. She said his reading was excellent.”
8. This adorable and surreal video of his baby biting his nose.
Goldblum told Conan O’Brien on the episode during which the above aired, “He’s so sweet and he’s so good and sweet. I enjoy him, I love him to bits. I nuzzle him, I smell him, I kiss him, I talk to him, I make jokes with him, I sing to him.”
9. The way his brain works.
In a Reddit AMA, one The Fly inspired fan asked what creature Goldblum would splice his DNA with. He responded, “Let’s see. Off the top of my head, I’d splice myself with a dolphin, and my name would be Surf Goldblum.”
10. He loves puppies.
I am of the general opinion that people who dislike dogs harbor a deep-seated flaw, an unnameable one they share with sociopaths and people who enjoy black licorice. Inversely, people who love dogs are instantly good people. Listen, this is my list and these are my rules.
11. His life advice is the best advice.
You can learn a lot about a person based on the life advice they dole out. Goldblum’s is genuine and meaningful and is capable of truly changing my life, if I was capable of following advice.
“Gee. The best advice ever given…to me… Let’s see. Oh boy. This is a good one. The best advice ever given to me is fill your days with what you love doing. Also, you know, contribute as substantially as you can to the community, and, uh, something the opposite of what the opposite of what the character does in Wolf of Wall Street.
Do something worthwhile and substantial, not with any sales technique or baloney on top of it, and give as much as you can. The opposite of The Wolf of Wall Street, but I don’t know how to put that into a pithy piece of advice. And also, put down your device, whatever it is, when you cross the street. Stop, look, and listen. Both equally important.”