I’ll wish for you
As I blow out the candles on my cake, at 11:11, when i see a shooting star, scattering the seeds of a dandelion clock.
Thewinteragenda
Hope
Hello again,
I’m in a constant state of missing you. I spend my days waiting for you to go online, to read my texts and talk to me. In one of our last conversations, it became clear that it would be really hard for me to visit you, to see you again. But there’s always this hope that, somehow, we’ll work around that. That I’ll go over there and we’ll get yet another amazing summer.
This hope…it destroys you, doesn’t it? We are always expecting something, constantly. I think it’s just human condition. After all, if we thought everything was lost, why would we keep fighting?
Now I’m watching this girl on Youtube. She has a great voice, like an angel, and sings some of my favorite songs. But that’s not the reason I’m watching, no. I’m watching because she looks like you.
And that’s all I get to feed my hope until we speak again.
UseMeAndThrowMeO
To my unicorn on what would be our one year anniversary
On this day one year ago, I found something I thought I’d never find. I found my unicorn. I found my happiness. I found the person that I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I found you.
On this day one year ago, I shared a booth in an Olive Garden with someone whose personality meshed so well with mine that we talked right through dinner. We both took all of our food home without taking a single bite out of it. Afterwards we went bowling where I “won” a best of three and earned a kiss from you. You vehemently insisted that faulting in the third game was a total accident on your part but I don’t believe you. I think you were feeling the same things I was and that you wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss you. One year ago today, I stood in the parking lot of an Olive Garden for over three hours, well after all the employees inside had went home, talking to someone that I’d fallen in love with after one date. Even though I didn’t muster up the courage to take the prize I’d won, I did manage to give you a kiss on your cheek. You giggled like a little school girl and I’ll never forget that sound as long as I live. Getting in my car that night, I wished that my night with you could have lasted just a little bit longer. I went home with the biggest smile on my face, feeling like I’d won the lottery. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was, and still is, the greatest day of my life.
Instead of looking forward to getting dressed up and taking you out to dinner and just spending the evening together, I’m wondering if this bottle of alcohol will make me forget you. If it can, maybe I’ll be able to close my eyes without seeing your beautiful smile. Maybe I can wake up without wanting to send you a good morning text so you can start your day with something positive. Maybe I’ll be able to fall asleep without wondering if your insomnia is going to keep you up tonight. Maybe I’ll forget the sound of your giggle. Maybe I’ll catch the scent of something that reminds me of your perfume and I won’t immediately think about all the times we shared your bed. Maybe I’ll be able to forget the feeling of finding my unicorn, falling so deeply in love with her, and then having her taken away from me. Maybe I’ll forget what it’s like to have your heart shattered into a billion microscopic pieces by the one and only person you’ve ever entrusted its care with.
I’m wondering where it all went wrong. Everything was so perfect in the beginning. I could not have asked for a better person to be in a relationship with. We always said it was like we’d already been together for years. Having a relationship with you was so easy, natural, and effortless. We shared so many common interests and were in sync on so many other things. There was never an awkward silence between us and we never fought, argued, or belittled each other.
All my friends and family tell me that you’ve treated me like sh*t lately and that I should be so incredibly thankful that we’re done. They say that you’ve been emotionally and mentally abusive to me and keeping me around by making me think that some day you’ll come back to me. When we first broke up, we barely even made it four days before you were blowing my phone up trying to see how I was doing. I didn’t want to talk to you but I gave in because you’re my kryptonite. We tried to stay friends and you repeatedly insisted that that’s all we were. You continued to insist that we weren’t dating, even right in the middle of us having sex.
On one hand, I hate you so much. I hate you for tearing my heart out and barely putting any effort into the relationship. I hate you for giving up on me. I hate you for giving up on yourself. I hate you for telling me to walk away. I hate you for turning around, right after telling me to walk away, and saying that you don’t want to lose me in your life. I hate you for loving me so perfectly. I hate you for being one of the people my dog loves the most because I know he’ll never see you again. I hate you for telling me that I make you not want to be alone. I hate you for being my unicorn.
On the other hand, I love you with all of my heart and every fiber of my being. I love you because you make me feel superhuman. I love you because you don’t judge me and you accept me for who I am. I love you because you’re capable of turning all the terrible things you’ve experienced in your life into amazing things instead of letting them break you down. I love you because you love me.
I’ve tried to go out on dates since we broke up, and I’ve even tried to do the casual thing, but it never goes past the first date. I feel like I’m cheating on you. When they don’t laugh at my stupid, sarcastic jokes, I hear that melodious giggle of yours. When we walk somewhere together, I can almost feel your hand in mine. When I smell their perfume, it’s your perfume that ends up being the scent that fills my nostrils. When it comes time to leave them for the night, I never feel that same burning desire for the night to go on like I did at the end of our first date.
I hope that where ever you are, when you see the date today that you stop at least for a little bit and think about me. I hope you’ll think about our first date and that maybe you’ll feel all those feelings that we both admitted to feeling that night. Naively, I hope that when you do think about, and feel, those things that maybe it will reignite that fire within you that pushes you to finally start treating me like a priority instead of an option. If that fire is ever reignited, whenever that is, I hope you’ll call me. I’ll be waiting for you. I’ll try not to sound too desperate on the phone.
Goodbye Shannon.
redelic
