If You Want To Be More Likable, Experts Say Stop Asking ‘How Are You?’ And Use These 5 Tactics Instead

You’ve said it a thousand times. “How are you?” And a thousand times, you’ve received the same response: “Good, how are you?” Then you say “good,” and the conversation either dies or limps forward without any real connection having occurred.

The question isn’t bad. It’s just empty. Communication researchers have found that ritualistic greetings like “how are you” don’t actually invite genuine responses—they signal that you’re following social scripts, not seeking real engagement.

If you want to be more likable—genuinely likable, in a way that makes people remember you and want to talk to you again—the experts say you need different tactics entirely.

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1. Ask about something specific you remember

“How did that presentation go?” “Did your daughter’s soccer tournament happen?” “Have you finished that book you were reading?” These questions prove you were actually listening last time. They transform a generic greeting into evidence that this person matters enough to remember.

Active listening research shows that feeling remembered is one of the most powerful drivers of likability. When someone recalls details from a previous conversation, it signals genuine interest—which is far more compelling than another round of “how are you, fine, you?”

If you don’t have previous context, observe something current: “You look like you’re in a good mood today—what’s going on?”

2. Give a real answer to their “how are you” first

Break the script by actually answering. Not with a therapy session—but with something genuine and specific. “Honestly? I’m a little scattered today. Big deadline this week.” “I’m actually great—just booked a trip I’ve been wanting to take.”

Research on conversational reciprocity shows that vulnerability invites vulnerability. When you give a real answer, you give the other person permission to do the same. The conversation immediately becomes more interesting than two people exchanging the word “good.”

You go first. That’s what makes the difference.

3. Notice something and comment on it

“That’s a great jacket—is it new?” “You seem really energized today.” “I love that you always have coffee from that place—is it actually better than everywhere else?” Observations create openings. They show you’re paying attention to this person specifically, not just executing a social obligation.

Attention research confirms what most people intuitively know: being noticed feels good. Not in a creepy way—in a “you see me” way. Comments that demonstrate attention make people feel valued, which makes them feel warmly toward you.

The observation doesn’t have to be profound. It just has to be specific to them.

4. Ask for their opinion on something

“I’m trying to decide between two restaurants for my anniversary—you know good food, what would you pick?” “I’ve been thinking about learning to play guitar—is it as hard as people say?” “What do you think about the new policy they announced?”

Likability research shows that asking for opinions or advice is one of the fastest ways to build rapport. It signals that you value the other person’s judgment. It gives them a chance to be helpful and knowledgeable. And it produces an actual conversation, not a greeting ritual.

People like people who make them feel competent and valued. Asking for input does both.

5. Share something small that’s true

“I’m trying this thing where I walk to work instead of driving—day three and my legs are already mad at me.” “I finally watched that show everyone’s been talking about. I don’t get the hype.” “I’ve been weirdly obsessed with making the perfect scrambled eggs lately.”

Self-disclosure research shows that small, appropriate sharing builds connection faster than staying surface-level. It doesn’t have to be deep or emotional—just real. Something that reveals you as a human being rather than a script-follower.

The trick is proportionality. You’re not unloading your problems. You’re offering a small, genuine piece of yourself that invites the other person to do the same.

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Likability isn’t about being the most charismatic person in the room or having the best stories. It’s about making other people feel seen, valued, and comfortable. The “how are you” script accomplishes none of those things—it’s just noise that signals social compliance.

These tactics work because they’re all variations on the same principle: treat the other person like they matter. Remember them. Notice them. Ask what they think. Share something real. Break the script and see what happens.

The irony is that trying to be likable usually backfires. But genuinely paying attention to other people—which these tactics force you to do—creates the conditions where likability happens naturally.

Stop asking “how are you.” Start actually engaging. The difference is obvious to everyone.