What makes Time Magazine’s annual 100 Most Influential List fascinating is the fact that each blurb in the issue is written by another list honoree; Tiffany Haddish by Kevin Hart, The Parkland Teens by Barack Obama, Hugh Jackman by Anne Hathaway, Greta Gerwig by Steven Spielberg. What is written reveals arguably more about the author than it does their subject.
This year’s acknowledgment of Donald Trump was written by none other than Texas Senator Ted Cruz, a man whose entire family has been bullied by President Trump and who also once ran a legitimate presidential campaign despite having been born in Canada. His 165-word tribute is obsequiousness at its most sickening and literally begins with the sentence:
“President Trump is a flash-bang grenade thrown into Washington by the forgotten men and women of America.”
The senator’s fawning would be less unpalatable and transparent had Donald Trump not at one point accused Cruz’s elderly father of being involved in JFK’s assassination.
“The same cultural safe spaces that blinkered coastal elites to candidate Trump’s popularity have rendered them blind to President Trump’s achievements on behalf of ordinary Americans,” writes Cruz, neglecting to mention that one time Trump called Cruz’s wife ugly in a confusing tweet that featured a side-by-side of their wives and also the word “beans.”
“While pundits obsessed over tweets, he worked with Congress to cut taxes for struggling families. While wealthy celebrities announced that they would flee the country, he fought to bring back jobs and industries to our shores. While talking heads predicted Armageddon, President Trump’s strong stand against North Korea put Kim Jong Un back on his heels.”
“President Trump is doing what he was elected to do: disrupt the status quo. That scares the heck out of those who have controlled Washington for decades, but for millions of Americans, their confusion is great fun to watch,” concludes Ted Cruz about a man who once nicknamed him “Lyin’ Ted” and who Cruz in return described as a “pathological liar” a “serial philanderer,” and “sniveling coward.”
Cruz’s Donald Trump eulogy elicited second-hand embarrassment throughout all the corners of the Twittersphere. Many commenters said that had they the terrible misfortune of being Ted Cruz, their opinion of Trump would not be so alarmingly effusive.
Ted Cruz’s blurb about Trump for Time Magazine’s 100 Most Influential People is one of the most humiliating things ever written pic.twitter.com/VAnZnWXK2R
— david ehrlich (@davidehrlich) April 19, 2018
Judging by the flattering piece @TedCruz wrote about Donald Trump for Time’s 100 Most Influential People, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say someone is trying to become wife number 4.
— Chelsea Handler (@chelseahandler) April 19, 2018
Call me old fashioned, but if I were Ted Cruz and Donald Trump had personally branded me as a liar, suggested he had dirt on my wife, spread rumors that my father assasinated JFK, and was, you know, Donald Trump, I’d probably pass on writing his effusive TIME magazine blurb.
— Matt Fuller (@MEPFuller) April 19, 2018
do you mean these tweets pic.twitter.com/XW3H5bLM7q
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) April 19, 2018
Donald Trump: “Ted Cruz is a liar, his dad is an immigrant who killed JFK, and I wouldn’t bang his wife without a bag over her head.”
Ted Cruz, for Time Magazine: “Donald Trump is a helluva guy. He once asked me if he could borrow a grocery bag.”
— Santa Claus, CEO 🎅🏻 (@SantaInc) April 19, 2018
Ted Cruz, who ended his campaign calling Donald Trump an “utterly amoral” “pathological liar” “narcissist at a level I don’t think this country has ever seen,” writes an ode to Trump’s elites-triggering for this year’s Time most influential list: https://t.co/rIOec1PP7f
— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) April 19, 2018
<artist’s depiction of trump requesting that ted cruz write his most influential blurb in time magazine> pic.twitter.com/JqxkQJtnlM
— Kilgore Trout (@KT_So_It_Goes) April 19, 2018
Ted Cruz in Time Magazine: The Guy Who Said My Dad Killed JFK and Called My Wife Ugly Makes Some Great Points!
— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) April 19, 2018
Up and coming Texas senator hopeful and fan favorite Beto O’Rourke threw his two cents into the conversation, which were that Ted Cruz is not a representation of the great big beautiful state of Texas.
Every line of Cruz’s tribute refers to the fact that Donald Trump is an upsetting tour-de-force to all enemies of the GOP; the liberal media/pundits/talking heads, rich celebrities (Trump doesn’t count?), coastal elites (ditto?), and Washington elites— a group which Cruz, at least in this love letter, bafflingly excludes himself from.
Trump’s presidency is definitely not “great fun to watch,” but Ted Cruz’s misguided belief that his transformation from Trump detractor to Trump butt-dweller will get him re-elected this fall, is one train-wreck that is.