18.
when someone is looking for something i help by saying "it's gotta be around here somewhere"
— weedchainsaw (@tuckonthis) July 21, 2015
17.
Every voicemail I leave sounds like English is my second language.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) April 2, 2015
16.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
— the establishment’s good boy (@AbrasiveGhost) April 16, 2016
15.
i only ask people to hang out when i know they already have plans
— so sad today (@sosadtoday) February 14, 2016
14.
me: *never drinks water, eats junk constantly and regularly falls asleep w make up on*
my skin: *breaks out*
me: pic.twitter.com/wOqLxHN6qD— andile (@INDIEWASHERE) April 5, 2017
13.
Who the fuck is this asshole?
Me- every time someone drives down my street.
— ??NoUCantBangMe?? (@MelissaJoy33) August 13, 2013
12.
If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for 2 meals instead of 3
— Colten Harris (@HarrisColten) February 20, 2017
11.
Me sober: no politics tonight. Nobody changes their mindset anyway ya know?
Me after 6 beers: hey Andrew why do you fuckin hate poor peoeple— ryan (@yeetztweetz) July 7, 2017
10.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN'T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
— Joey Ellis (@joeyellis) August 17, 2015
9.
me: im not dramatic
me with a small cold: pic.twitter.com/FpD48SySA5— gary from teen mom (@garyfromteenmom) April 4, 2017