Once I held the door open for another person and accidentally told them “thank you” — which, honestly, pretty much sums up my lack of finesse when it comes to communicating with my fellow humans.
I’m certainly not the only one. For everyone who has accidentally said “You too!” to the wrong person, or failed at making chit-chat with their waiter, or spat out an awkward knee-jerk response to something: these jokes are for you. After all, communication is difficult enough as it is without adding in social anxiety, so we should all probably cut ourselves some slack and find a way to laugh about our embarrassing lack of eloquence.
I hope we all become slightly better at holding in our word vomit.
Date: I love dogs
Me: [trying to think of something to impress her] my dad is a dog
— james nielssen (@jamesnielssen) August 11, 2016
@TheBloggess Sandwich shop cashier: “What’s your name?” Me: “Oh, uh, I have a boyfriend.” Cashier: “For the sandwich.”
— Kate Darling (@grok_) November 2, 2015
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 1, 2015
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
— The Nighttime Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) July 21, 2016
@TheBloggess The handsomest man I’ve ever seen once sat down next to me & said “Hi.” I responded with “I’m eating a tootsie roll.” He left.
— Daize (@Daize_Plays) November 1, 2015
Airport cashier: “Have a safe flight.” Me: “You too!” I CAN NEVER COME HERE AGAIN.
— TheBloggess (@TheBloggess) November 1, 2015
Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like “Abso-fruit-ly!” and they laugh like I’m so clever but we both know
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) November 14, 2016
@TheBloggess I kept saying Merry Christmas to the Trick or Treaters last night. Now we have to move again.
— Rustymarble? (@Rustymarble) November 1, 2015
In retrospect, “so I guess we would all look the same if we were made into sausage” was probably weird small talk for a funeral.
— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) December 10, 2015